John McCain Tells Barack Obama to Suck his Dick

A combative John McCain said Wednesday that the presumptive Democratic Presidental Nominee Barack Obama can “Suck my dick” in a response to Obama's accusations that McCain would continue President Bush's failed economic policies.

McCain, campaigning in Massachusetts, is hoping that his strong words will galvanize the heavy smug asshole vote and win the state after Republican losses in all recent presidential elections.

In response, Senator Obama accused Senator McCain of “the same old tired Washington politics of trying to get people to suck their dick.”

Former President Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment.

The Dark Knight Review

If you haven't seen The Dark Knight yet, then get out of my country. The Dark Knight is possibly the best film made in the last 300 years and that's including Glitter, Birth of a Nation, and Kangaroo Jack. In fact, if you took those three movies and combined them into one Supermovie and then that Supermovie went to a fancy club with its girlfriend and they sat down next to The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight would start chatting up Supermovie's girlfriend and then while Supermovie went to the bathroom, The Dark Knight would take Supermovie's girlfriend back to its apartment and get it on. And it would do some real sick shit with her, too. I'm talking front, back, spanking, spitting, arguing, and those things you only joke about doing with your friends, like The Pirate Eye, The Leaning Horseshoe, The 25 Cent Ante, The Brilliant Penguin, The Late-Night Jury Duty, The Missionary Position, etc. Look, I'm not saying The Dark Knight is going to be a gentleman. But that just shows you how fucking awesome this movie is.

If you have seen the movie, then you know that Batman dies at the end. SPOILER ALERT! Now, a lot of reviews will write "spoiler alert" before the spoiler. Not here. We write the spoiler and then let you know the movie has been spoiled. But don't worry, I didn't actually tell you how he dies. And that's really the interesting part. So if you watch the movie right now, you'll still enjoy it. Batman dies of AIDS. SPOILER ALERT! Yup, you had to keep reading, didn't you? You couldn't control yourself. I warned you. Think of it this way. Whenever you see "spoiler alert" in a review, you probably continue reading anyway. We go ahead and ruin it for you and this way you don't have to get angry at yourself. But you still might be able to salvage some pleasure from watching the movie if you stop reading right now, because we haven't told you the unusual way Batman acquires AIDS. BOILER ALERT! Just testing you. It said "boiler alert," not "spoiler alert." You're right on the edge here. The movie could get spoiled at any moment and yet you're still reading. This is a serious game of chicken we're playing. Who's it going to be? Batman acquires the disease by stepping on a used needle at Gotham Coney Island, which is remarkably similar to Coney Island in New York City. SPOILER ALERT!

The poignant moral of The Dark Knight is that no matter what you do and how many precautions you take, you could die at any moment because of something that is completely beyond your control, and you should live every moment in constant fear. That's why I always keep a concealed sawed-off shotgun on my person any time I leave my apartment. So if you see me on the street, you better not make eye contact with me for more than four seconds unless you're itching to catch some lead. I dare you, motherfucker!

Morgan Freeman is innocent. Free Morgan Freeman.

This is tragic what’s happening to Morgan Freeman. He flips over his car, breaks his shoulder, his arm and his elbow, and less than a week later, he finds out that his wife is divorcing him.
Apparently, he had a “female friend” in the car with him, who the media is reporting as his mistress. So, the man flips over his car with a female passenger in it, and everyone just assumes that he’s having an affair. He’s wasn’t cheating on his wife, he was Driving Miss Daisy.

PET SEMETARY III

This lady is gonna eat this fucking dog!


There I was trying to get over the Montauk Monster when all of a sudden I see this article . When I saw the picture I thought it was just about a woman showing a puppy her new Michael Mckeon from Spinal Tap haircut . It turns out it was about some crazy lady who paid 50 grand to have her pitbulls cloned . Because thats what the world needs right ? More Pitbulls. This isn't fun and heartwarming like the movie "Multiplicity" . This is creepy and weird like the movie "As Good as it Gets". Just look at the picture . She looks like the villian in a movie about an old lady who wants to shut down the puppy pound to build a shopping mall . She looks like a Jim Henson creation . She looks like the drummer from the band in the muppet show but not as hot . She looks like Buddy Hackett with a wig on ......OK , OK I'm done

Enough Already!!! with the Montauk Monster

Welcome to another edition of "Enough Already!", where I, famed gadfly and man-about-town Pat Stango, take on a ubiquitous person, place, or food and say ENOUGH ALREADY! Last week I railed against doorknobs and Leeza Gibbons. This week the focus of my bitter spew shall be...


The Montauk Monster!

For those of you living under a freakin' rock, the Montauk Monster is this monster that washed up on the beach in Montauk and goddamn its pretty much the only thing people can talk about nowadays. I'll be on the subway minding my own business eating an egg sandwich, and some idiot will yell out "Hey Pat did you see that Montauk Monster?" or "That Montauk Monster sure is something, right Pat?", or "Please stop spitting egg sandwich on my face." Well guess what, I'm sick of the Montauk Monster and NO I won't stop spitting egg on you. It's a FREE COUNTRY pal. But seriously people, this Montauk Monstermania is out of control. Why just last night I was having dirty sex with my fiance Leeza Gibbons when she stopped to ask me if I thought the Montauk Monster might be a racoon. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

AHHHHH!!! As I'm writing this very rant, CNN is reproting that the Montauk Monster is in talks to record a CD of Hannakuh songs with Natalie Cole. What the hell??? I don't get why people love this thing so much. In a recent speech in front of 850,000 people in Denmark, Barack Obama said that "The Montauk Monster represents the hope of all Americans to create a better world for their children and that change is possible anywhere you believe in it. Also I think it's a turtle." Really Obama??? Maybe you should spend less time worrying about the Montauk Monster and more time figuring out how to lower the price of my freakin' egg sandwiches. ANYWAY, my good pal and Montauk Monster enthusiast Sean Donnelly tried to explain the appeal to me. "The thing about the Montauk Monster," Sean explained while enjoying a shave at the local guinea barbershop, "is that you just don't know whether it's a bloated dog, or maybe a bloated racoon, or maybe even a bloated cat. Or it could be a dog, like I mentioned earlier. That's what people are into."

So perhaps Sean and Obama are right. Perhaps this Montauk Monster reminds us all of a simpler time, a time when men were men and women were women, when infants were criminally insane, when the local shoestore gave you a two shoes and a newsreel for a nickel, when cars didn't have engines and THAT'S THE WAY WE LIKED IT. So I apologize to thee, Montauk Monster, for yee are a gentleman amongst gentleman. And to those who say ENOUGH ALREADY to the Montauk Monster, I say for shame. And that's all I have to say about that.

MONTAUK MONSTER and GUIDO .........

seperated at Birth ??

DOPEY FUCK !

What a moron this guy is . This genius is Apollo Braun, a hacky clothing designer who came up with these retarded tshirts .

Why does he have pictures all over his wall? He is like a 14 year old girl . How many Bop magazines did it take to cover that wall ? I think I see a Corey Haim/Corey Feldman joint centerfold right behind him .

( Not pictured is his fave Josh Hartnett Comforter and sheets set !!!! )

This guy is the worst . He looks like a tranny on their day off .

I think that mullet came with the hat when he bought it .